is there reli no one will appreciate me ???? ( 17 June 2008 | 12.43 AM)

i might not be perfect..

might not be da best...

yea...i admit im unfilial,sensitive,harmful,evil and bad...

but at least...

i knew myself...

im honest to myself...

and yea...

i see my friend important than anyone...

diff person diff personality...

but most of them only care their lover,

so is that better than me?

who only care her friends??

i dont wish to be an unfilial daughter too..

who wish to be??

but i am like tis...

i am wat i am..

i am who i am...

i juz cant change it...

so that means im not nice??

is dat wat u mean??
hmmm??

yea...and finally i realize dat..

im wasting lots of time on my frens...

treating them nice...

care them so much...

but no one..

no one dat appreciate it...

if wanna tell...

i can said dat..

i treat all of u better than myself...

im willing to pay for ur meal,

while i eat nth,

juz drinking...

so u wanna call tis as stupid?

or not nice?

i tink stupid is more suit..

yea better than treating myself...

especially u...

U!u shud know...

i luv u more than myself...

care u more than myself...

treat u alot better than myself...

i rather to carry it alone,

oso dun wan to trouble u...

i duno anything...

reli duno anything...

until u told me dat "im not dat nice"

and i was tinking...

wat i did wrongly again??

is dat my fault to treat others nice??

or reli no one appreciate it??

or maybe i shud say...

they can only see the "nice" on the one they care and love...

me...

for them...

is juz a useful tool...

is dat fair??

y would i still so stupid...

if i knew no one will appreciate it...

i wanted to be evil...

but juz cant..

im trying to be cruel...

but my heart dun allow me to do so...

i wish to kick anyone who hurted me or treat me bad away...

but i cant...

someone might ask me..Y?

and i can tell u dat...

is natural...i duno too...

everyone is like dat...

they can only see the nice and good...

on the one they like...

teachers,frens,parents...

everyone are like tis...

i tink u can observe dat too...

u didnt see it on me..

dun mean dat im not nice...

mayb im reli not dat nice...

i duno too...

but i care sure dat...

i treat u...

is da best...

giv u everything...

i giv u all of me...

ready to sacrifice...

rather to torture myself...

and ruining my health...

but...

no one will appreciate it..

anyway...

ill still continue my concept...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and her replies:

(July 10 3:02 PM)

I appreciate for all the things that you did for me..Romanized many lyrics and wait for me when you're free, send me some songs and be my DJ for some moment.. I never forget anything. I treasure all the things we had together since the time that we met each other, we laughed and had a happy moment together, that's why I treat you so nice until almost equal my lover, even we're just net peenong, net friends but the way I treat you, the way I feel to you,is still the same. Everytime that I tried to online and chat with you and she came, I always argued with her and my mum always saw since she kept looking at Jean on the webcam or in reality, mum keeps asking me that "Why would u like to argue with Jean which is so nice to you, come to meet you, she uses almost all the salary to come and meet you every week until now she became poor already, and you always argue with her just because of a net friend? Why don't you try to think that who is nicer to you? And love you more? Care you more? and true to you more? She gives you everything that she can afford until she's like this, no left that much of money already, but still will give you anything as long as you are happy, she's willing to support you all the way,bring you everywhere you want to, I can feel that she's sincere person, from her eyes,she's not the kind that wants to get advantage from anyone but when she cares of something, she seems like care too much, but its also nice to you, right? i still appreciate it but you don't? With Joey, you can go and chat with her anytime which is the time that Jean isn't with you, daytime? Why must at the same time? Is it worth to argue with her? Choose the one that is more worth, I'm unhappy everytime that you guys argue ...!@^!%$#^%$@#"

My mum always said the same thing and always blame on me if why must I chat with you until that much? Not only my mum, Jean also asked, but I only could give the same same same answer that it's because I feel that we are close friends,we always talked like this everyday, much like this, before I know Jean also did, why do I need to change? Now is less enough until don't know what should I bring up to compare for this LESS but you know, they don't believe that we didn't chat much hahaha! They both think that shouldn't bring you and jean up to compare, since Jean is my reality friend and did many things, well this one I know but why do i need to change lol If I can chat with you, I always tried cause I want all the things to be the same, not changed. After that moment that we didn't chat much coz it was the first time that she came, I still remember well that she rented the internet for me, which is expensive and didnt interrupt between us, she let me talk with you there as I wish, as long as I want, although she said she'll let me chat with you only 1 hour but when in the reality, she didn't bear to limit me and she wanted to lay on the bed coz she doesn't wanna disturb but I asked her to be there since I think I don't have any secret with her that much until can't let her see the convo and I felt guilty to kick her away at chat with you in the moment that she came to meet me, so I let her sit along. After chat for awhile, I could feel that you're changed, all the speech, all the words, were sarcastic and cold..No matter how long I tried to persuade you but you still were the same, kept on asking me to go or sometimes too quiet, only reply when I ask, it made me feel like you were changed and I also didn't know what to do, I admit that at that moment, I was too disappointed and didn't wanna continue anymore, since chat also like didn't chat, somemore get the cold feeling back, what for I chat? So I went to lay down on the sofa and think back, until fall asleep, she still asked me if don't wanna chat already? I said ''no''. After that,I didn't so struggle to come online that much cuz I know, after I came, the same same thing will come again. Many days passed by, I came online and pretended to be the same and you told me that you dont seem to be important anymore, I can live without you, no matter how many days and all the things, I just gave you stupid excuse that the laptop had no battery and anything, but the truth is I was fed up with all the cold convo, I dont know what to do. Afterwards, I got bk home with her,no matter how many times I came online,still the same, cold cold and cold + sarcastic until I felt like I wanted to take some rest for all these things, maybe its not worth for me to come and argue with her..but after that, I still tried to come and you also tried to chase me away, your words, your speech were all blunt but I still tried to get your normal condition back but I failed lol Everytime you were like that to me, I was hurted , not less than you, just I didn't say it out and pretend to be nothing happened. All the time, I just wish to be like before but it seems to be hard to get it back, even nowadays, you're still cold to me, maybe you don't know it but I always feel it, I still try to be normal and talk to you, your dinner? your fav instrument? all the things but they all seemed like .. not the same anymore. That's why I felt tired with it, I might be trying alone and almost give up with all the stiff conversation that we always have, I knew that I let you wait, I always alerted and went to see your window convo for sometimes.. but let you wait or not wait, it's also the same, when I chat,the result was still the same, so many just let it be is the best solution. Everything that I typed here, maybe most of all, I never spoke them out because I'm not the kind that like to speak out all of the feelings in my mind like you always do but I also wanna tell you that I always have feeling, which isn't better than you at all, maybe worse. If I don't love, don't miss, I wouldn't keep of you, everytime thinks of MSN, the first person that I think of is you, even not online, I still think of you but I dont like to be rotten, keeps on saying that I think of you so often, and it sounds like unbelievable to you, maybe? lol Cause I know that I'm untrustworthy to you, too. I know what you think of me, in which way, and don't know is it luck of mine to know or unluck? Anyway, I can't forget all those wounds from what you spoke behind me and if it's my normal friends, even in reality, I already tried to stay away and marked on their faces that they're fake, but I still be the same to you, but maybe sometimes, what you said, which is quite..unbelievable and which I think you won't think until that or too exaggerated, I might not believe because what you did, is opposite to what you said, but maybe it's already long time ago, you might changed to think of me A BIT better than former. No matter what, I can swear, that all the feelings to you, is never changed and although I didn't like to say anything out but I did for today, maybe because I'm tired to be accused that I didn't care or appreciate or anything, I can't stop caring or missing you, all the reasons, maybe because .. you're the person that I love? Or special close friend.. Maybe?

(July 10 3:03 PM)
Oh.. sorry.. Seems like.. my comment is already longer than your post..

(July 10 3:16 PM)
at last, sorry for all the error words that I typed out. I always type a word into another word which doesn't seem like error words lol such as ''maybe'' typed into ''many'' or sometimes even missed a word but I think u can guess since u always could, sorry for messing ur blog up