what a phone conversation...which once again making me feeling bad...[ Tuesday, 13th October 2009

had a talk with Jing on the phone...
is so excited ehh??? hahahaha

but suddenly..
i not really remember what makes me start to be blue again...
when responding her,
i slip of the tongue end up saying this : "yea...wondering why...the guys you met are always good one...me?? lol.... not a pervy then an insulter..."
(didnt want to let her know about such disgraceful things about me actually...but since she already knew everything and i ever told her some of it...so...let it be...)
and she ask me to not say so...
and i replied her " why? it isn't like that?"
and she kept quiet...

apparently ...
that is the fact....
non of the them that i met is a good one...
besides bad...they are still bad...
maybe...
when they are with other people, they acting good?
and when it comes to me, they act differently to me...
is because they arent gentleman?or is because of me?
probably...no...obviously...im the cause...
until now...
i still didnt know that what and how a gentleman is...
a good one maybe??but how...i really have no idea with it...
and even see the bad one as a good one...
admittedly, how blind i am??? LOL
hey...
just to tell that im not stupid nor idiot...
is just...blind...
what kind of blind??
love blind LOL!!!
i'm smart enough, kay?
i still know how to distinguish a white and a black...
(of course, im not having colour-blindness LOL ) > <
and also i see everything before they reveal/do it...
is just that...
i choose to .... hide "them"...
which is the fact that i wouldnt want to know but what to do?
i already knew it right before it is being reveal...

smart?is that good??
is tiring...and sad...
sometimes i wish to be a dumb dumb...
be pure and simple...
innocent as well...
but he is my papa...
and i inherited what i didnt want from him...
papa is tiring you know?
need to be alert and aware of everything and anything...
even just a tiny stuff, but you are over-reacting to it...

if i am not...
i might not know that...
they actually never ever have feelings towards me...
never really like me...
non of them...
but just playing with my feelings...
have so much fun huh??
im just a companion when they are lonely??
maybe... when their real girls weren't around them?
and im just a replacement after all....
they are so worse...
really...worse...
worst ever...
or is just me who is the worst one??
accepting me...
not as their love's one...
but as their slave???
lol...
slave... i am a slave...
yea...and that is why i said im so worst...
that im agree being their slave...
so...again...is my fault on being their slave willingly??
or is their fault on taking me as their slave ??
slave... kinda polite on describing me... isn't it?
should just straight away admit that im a slut instead of slave LOL!!!

c'mon...
slave...slut...bitch...
anything...
because 3 of them suit my personality and actions so well...

my Choi...
ever protected me in front of the other friends...
saying that im not like that...
is just because i love the person i love...
and that is why im acting like this...
but it doesnt mean that im a bitch or something like that...
thanks a lot for your words...
it's you...
and only you will protect me by ignoring what others had said about me...
neorago.....
im glad with that...cherish...and treasure...
but then...i somehow felt that i am just like what they said...
and they are right...
and actually...i didnt admit that at the first place...
but after that...i felt like...
everyone is agreeing and is just me who denying...
maybe that's the fact thats why everyone is agreeing ???
must be like that...
and i started to accept the fact that i am like this, so what???
it might be humiliating for me...
not might...
but certainly, it is...
anyhow... accepting the fact...is a good thing...???