学不会。。。

有时候真的不想自己那么聪明，真的很累。。。。 

什么都看透了，那还有意义吗？？

宁愿自己傻傻的，什么也不懂，人家说什么就信什么。。。

为什么我就是该聪明的时候不聪明？ 该笨的时候却什么都懂？？

对不起。。。

知道自己说话之前没有去思考，和你相差实在太大了。。。

对不起，给你难堪了。。。

明明就知道真相却强迫你当坏人，硬要你把事实告诉我， 明知道你是不想伤害我可是还逼你来伤害我。。。

什么时候才会学会说话不要那么酸？什么时候才会停止比较？？　真的很难。。。　因为在乎，所以才这样。。。　请你体谅我。。。

 不知道为什么心情非常低落。。。　所以喝酒去了。。。

就是喜欢用这种方式来自虐，来麻醉自己，让自己什么都不想。。。

很差经对吧？？？

结果难受的是自己，别人还是好好的。。。

不知道你真的是不善于表达还是只是对我是这样。。。

关心一下，就一下而已，问一句也好，真的有这么难吗？？

喝醉酒了才看清谁是在乎我关心我的。。。。

其实说的全部都不重要，地位什么的全都不重要，只要你肯开口关心，主动找我，重视我，就算垫底我也没关系。。。 我的要求。。。 会很高吗？？真的有那么难办到吗？？

或许是我误会你了。。。我不清楚。。。
或许是你不了解我想要什么吧？
but the the way you treat me... it hurts...

at that moment when i realize things, my tears are threatening to fall....

真的很伤心。。。 一直以来都认为只要自己对别人好，重视别人，别人也会用一样的方式对待我。。。 原来是没有这样的事情。。。 从来没有。。。 真的很笨。。。

不知道接下来会是怎样。。。　不过希望历史不要再从演。。。。　我害怕。。。。　希望时间可以冲淡一切。。。　

最后。。。。　

真的很抱歉。。。。。

Does replying me hurts?? like seriously?

*sigh*

must be after resigning got nth much to do at home,and i'm becoming sensitive... again...

sensitive? or paranoid ? i have a feeling that is neither one =.=

people just wouldn't reply my msg properly...

yea is people, a lot of them -____-||||

i'm so tired of it... tired of feeling upset just because they didn't reply me...

and i'm not really sure why at i upset either...

why?? 

blahhh i don't know what the hell i'm talking here =.=

i'm just feeling soooooooooo frustrated and emo lately...

please stop ignoring me T___T

is not like replying me will die, or you will lose some of your flesh =.=

GAHHHH I NEED TO STOP BEING SO HELPLESS AND PATHETIC...

i hate these... hate all these, and i hate myself....

FML!!

and then when my friend ask me why wouldn't i hate on those people who ever hurt me...

well... that's because... i'm dump like that -___-|| i'm pathetic like that... 

and i am somehow masochistic .... ??? 

就是犯贱，就是可悲，就是爱被人糟蹋。。。 其实一点都不想这样。。。

no one care... and no one will... isn't it?

i'm leaving... hello, i'm leaving?? gimme some reaction please guys?? how can you guys act as if nth happen, everything is alright?? 

it gives me a feeling that i'm not part of the HR group...

am i really that unworthy ?? that i dont deserve anything from you guys?? even a question???

that hurts... break my heart into pieces... but what can i do?? at least... i'm leaving... 

guess you guys love the idea of me leaving very much that you will throw a party to celebrate that i'm finally leaving ???

i thought it was worse enough when i hinted cassandra that i'm leaving and she doesn't give any reaction nor ask me anything until i go further with it... oh well, at least she did ask at the end (foce by me, maybe?) even though she didnt reply me anymore after i tell her that i'm unhappy working there... 

who knows there comes a more heartbreaking one that all of sudden i think cassandra is good enough that she bother to ask me a simple "why?" ...

i text lina last night that i'm resigning... and as expected, there was no reply... and when i reach office, still she didn't ask anything about it... so i intentionally ask her if she receive my msg and she said she did... and then she continue to do her work... 

and i start to wonder, if she already knew it way before i told her?? or she just knew it when i told her but she just couldn't be bother??  she makes me feel alienated...  because i see her asking a lot of people from other department whom she's not even close with why they're resigning... how about me?? 

guess the only one who give this really big reaction is siew ting...

she kept asking asking and asking... finally i feel that i belong to HR again... and all of sudden she said "omg after joey leave i got no one help me with my work" 

ermmm so, she's actually more worry about the work than i'm leaving?? 

i don't wish to be pessimistic but ... seriously... in such condition, how can you not be pessimistic??

but at least, she ask, she ask, and ask and ask... well... yea, is better than nth, isn't it??

why am i so pathetic??? why am i not lovable?? why am i like not existed??? 

also to you...

if you really care and worry, why dont you suggest to stay and accompany me? dont give me a fake hope... i already got over you, don't make me step into the trap again... please, dont... 

and seriously, am i really that scary that you need to avoid me that way?? am i a monster to you? or alien?? even with that little gesture of yours which is nearly unnoticeable, but i'm an observant person that every little gestures hurts me....

my heart is not as strong as what it seems like... i might look strong, but i am not... 

my poor heart... it is sensitive, it is fragile, so please handle it with care, please? pity me??

was always being left out... left out... and left out... i'm tired of it already...

also, does replying my msg will lose a part of your meat or you will die when you reply my msg?? would you guys just stop ignoring me?? 

why is it always like that????!! (just another post that no one will bother.... )

got no place to express and i ended up coming back again......


i just wish i would reach home later...
like 1am.... or i just never reach home will be better....

just when i thought you were waiting for me to come home because you're worry...
no... you're not...
you're waiting for me to come home so that you can throw a bunch of words at me and scold me like there's no tomorrow...

just what did i do wrongly this time???!!
i don't understand...
to cut down on my foods / starve myself and leave foods for you all eat.... is that wrong???
yea, whatever you say, i'm bad at estimating, but to leave more is better than less right??!
just what did i do wrong that you scolded me that way??? do i even deserve that???
are you blaming me because you need to eat twice?? Just leave it if you don't want, no one force you to...

what?? i only know to take and not giving?? repeat yourself again... my heart is broke...
so this is the way you see me??? huh???
what you know about me then??? you know NOTHING!

for you, everything i do is useless, is a waste, is wrong, never right....
for you, everything he did is right, never wrong, we have to tolerate him, even taking from you is right...
that explain why am i getting scolds and all those sarcastic words at outside while he's enjoying himself inside...

silence is golden...
is that even true???!!

hilarious much...
do you expect that i will really tell you??
like "hey! i'm jealous of the different treatment!" "hey, i'm just trying to be nice and leave foods for you!" "hey, i don't like it when you scold me with no proper reason!" "why are you taking other people's thing to scold me??" "do you know how much courage i took to ask you if i can buy that and you just disapprove me like that??" "didn't you see i'm busy?? why don't you ask the free one to help you instead of kept shouting my name only???"

i'm not saying anything not because i'm agree with you...
but i'm tired of explaining...
just how many times i need to explain??? even if i explain , will you even accept it???
one thing i'm sure of is that you will retort...


as expected though...
is not only you...
you all are always like that.... never try to understand the whole situation and start judging me as you like... always like that...
family, friends, teachers, net buddies....
have you all ever think in my point of view?? like ... once???!! seriously???

just a post to express the thing that hides deep inside my heart...

hello blog~~
i found myself back here again when i didn't know where can i express what is really in my mind without disguising or twisting my words to make it sounds nice...
so tiring...

and it never ends...
always about sungmin... about kyuhyun...

so... 2 days ago...
well... i don't know why am i acting that way though...
but i feel hurt when i see my friend sway from ming to kyu...
no, not only my friend, all the fans who did that... i feel hurt...
i think i wont be so disappointed or hurt if she start liking kyu ever since she knows sjm...
but really, i couldn't accept when people sway from ming to kyu...
just why?? is that keep happening?? is like, nearly half of the ming bias i knew sway from ming to kyu and i'm so sick of it...
to be honest, what so great about kyu??
of course i know he can sing, and his voice is attractive...
and yea, just that i see, nothing more, nothing less...
is hilarious to ask them why they sway...
"oh~~ his voice is so nice~~ i've fallen in love with his voice"
when ming is trying so hard there to make himself multi-talented, i felt like telling him just give up because people dont care...even his fans sway for the "only one talent" member...
even how hard you practise the choreography, still, you will only stay at the back or the side to dance... even you're the 4th best dancer in suju...
no one give a damn about how hardworking you are, ming, because you always under-rates yourself... no, you're being overly kind that you give all your parts to the other members, you dont care about yourself, and do you expect your fans to care about you when you yourself dont?? no!!!
that's why i'm not really blaming when people sway... to be honest, i'm not pissed too... i just feel disappointed and hurt... how can they be like that???
again, to be honest, yea... i'm simply jealous... and selfish... i know and i admit it...

and now, what??!!
i dont even have freedom on voicing out my feelings??
like? seriously??
dont think that you're the only on holding back, WE ARE HOLDING BACK AS WELL!
especially me!
everytime when i tweet smth, i'll make sure to twist it and twist it and try my best to make it not obvious.... cant you just ignore what you read???
can i tweet what i feel because of feeling sad that my friend actually swayed???
why are you so over-protective??? towards other members!
when i never see you being protective over ming? did you??
you said we hold onto grudges, and always rant about kyu and you're sick of it...
and so do i ! i'm sick of myself ranting kyu too because i'm so tired on ranting him, and that tweet of mine on yesterday, i swear i'm not ranting about kyu, i just said i was speechless if people like to think that a voice is better than 100 talents... I JUST SAID THAT!
come to think of it , i'm actually complimenting kyu indirectly ! saying that he use only his voice but can attract so many fans...

and i think we're ranting very very carefully, not to hurt you...
have you see tumblr of kpop secret?? have you read the two posts saying that ming's voice is nothing?? did you see they compare hae with ming and say hae is much more better than ming?? i bet you will just keep quiet even you see it... and see! they even rant it like OPENLY with pictures and words and all insulting ming in TUMBLR!
and even wish him to enlist earlier !
the other one is more ridiculous saying that ming got too much lines like they're deaf or blind that you see ming singing a lot???
and what they say are not NEAR THE FACT AT ALL!!
they say hae's voice is better than ming and HELLO have they ever hear hae singing live?? he sings like shit and i can assure you that hae cant sing live for God's sake even though he has good voice... and the fact is there, ming is main vocal yet they said smth like that...
what did we do?? no! we didn't do anything, we speak what we see and what we hear...
we are just TELLING THE FACT!! is not like we're bringing something false and insult kyu!
is true that he can only sing, isn't it??? tell me he can dance?? tell me he can rap?? LMAO
is true that he's rude to his hyung, and evil too, isn't it??? did you see how he smack hyuk's head and kick hyuk??? and teuki too???
and is true that he sing most of the line, didnt he??? almost the whole perfection that he's singing
and it is very true that he can't dance for God's sake yet he's fucking swaying his limbs awkwardly during the dance break part...
and the dance segment in SS2, they cancel ming out and make kyu in LMAO!!!! WTH??!!
SM The Ballad??? Musical??? why isn't yesung and wookie in it??? ok, cut yesung, since he had musical before... but what about wookie?? isn't it hilarious to know that the main vocal of suju JUST STARTED SOME NEW ACTIVITY THIS YEAR??

and one thing i dont know if you know, when kyu just join suju, ming gave his parts and lines to kyu, and see what happen on being too kind....just like what i said above, nearly half the ming bias i knew sway from kyu to ming... LOL
that's the main point... i actually dont hate kyu, i just feel sad that the fans never see ming...
and when ming is being kind to give his part to kyu, at the same time, he's giving his fans to kyu as well...
and the time when i started hating kyu is the time when i see he's rude and all...
don't believe me? go to M-INvasion and dig the old comments that i ever leave...


i just don't understand why are you being so over-protective with the other members and not ming when your bias is actually ming...
that just make me doubt about you... doubt if ming is really your bias...

do you think we really love ranting???
no, we dont... i really hate it when i waste most of my time pissing off on some people...
but we're doing it because we love ming...
and you should know it that we're not ELF, we couldn't bring ourselves to love all the members...
loving ming doesn't mean we need to love those who are close with him or he loves too...
as you say, personal preferences... and then why are you over-reacting when we dont like other members???
why dont you like SNSD too?? ming is close with SNSD but why dont you like them??
why dont you like 2PM??? ming is close to them too!!
i ship minwook, why dont you ship minwook as well???
that's how we feel when you ask why cant we like all the members or when you ask why dont we ship kyumin...
we're not so great that we can accept the false or acted like we're blind/deaf not to see the truth...
also is not like we're ranting for no reason...
why some people can mix with the whole class but some couldn't???
why cant you understand us ???
why do you want to start some drama when i'm trying so hard to avoid it???
you know we love you, you knew it!
we can always say smth nasty but we didnt, just for you... only for you that we're doing it...
i can always say smth really nasty to you, about them, if i wanted to...

i really hope you can be considerate and understand us...
as we told you earlier, we're not ELF, we cant bring ourselves to like all the members...

Frustration + Miracle = Life couldn't get better~~

just when i was about to post something emo-ish, there comes something happy~

alright i'll tell ...
it should sounds like this (can't remember well since i should have post this like a month ago =.= )
the time when i don't enjoy my fangirling life...
is when i don't have free times to search for fanfic to read T___T
because i was flooded with all the updates that i need to do on MINvasion as Alex disappear T___T
i can tell that the pics i've uploaded to MINvasion... i barely see them, i just scan through and busy looking for pics to upload ...
well, i'm not complaining about it, i felt honor that i get to help Alex up since she's busy with her work and continue to spread ming's love...
but what disappoint me ... well, is also MINvasion...
i still remember how excited i got when i first became admin there and i enjoy seeing my unnie and dongsaeng spamming MINvasion with their comments..
until Sara, my babe unnie left...
MINvasion becomes dead, no one is spamming MINvasion anymore...
i knew there's silent readers but i actually got motivated when people leave comment,
especially my unnie and dongsaeng T___T
oh and so when my babe unnie left, my dongsaeng seems to disappear as well, disappear as in not active in MINvasion... she's busy with her own things like translating articles, fan account and busy looking pics in weibo...
and there's once i felt like giving up MINvasion, but then i didn't want to be irresponsible... i remember very well that i've promise Alex that i wouldn't dump MINvasion...
also because of someone who being irresponsible, dumping me and MINvasion...
thought that it will be the last source for us to communicate...
how silly i am...

and over here, i have to say thanks to Mika...
really, i just roughly told her about my frustration and she went to leave comment in MINvasion urging the silent readers to leave comment...
how sweet my dongsaeng is ~ *hugs*
and her method works, some of the silent readers start appearing =D
what more surprising is Sara is back again!!!
and really, you all have no idea how happy i am...
also how excited i am to see MINvasion bombed by her comments LOL
ermmm well, perverted comments to be exact XD
*cough* i don't mean that i got excited because of her perverted comments ~~ OMG
*hides*

lastly, really, i appreciate everything that you all have done for me...
Nora, Sara and Mika....
saranghae~~~~~~~~

ok i should go now, is late already...
and forgive me for my ... well, very terrible writing as i didn't write for a long time, i mean write something long like this -__-||

don't know if i'm being thick-skinned or this is really meant for me...
guess that my instinct wont tell me the wrong thing??
"wow .. now I'm happy .. I'm really happy ... wuaaah I thought I was gonna lose her for ever ... I have a phobia from this kind of fights"
it makes me day, if only it is meant for me...
i never know that i can be so important for someone...
the time when i feel i'm lovable... is at this time...

seriously, what is up with my life???

and yea...
talking about last night...
i was quite frustrated because she just wouldn't get what i'm trying to tell....
no, the price doesn't matter, not at all...
buying expensive thing doesn't mean you can pay back what you owe her,
and the main point is not the price, but the thing you bought...
have you ever thought if she will use it??? i mean like, yea you're right, at our age we should start taking care and sure she will use when you give her but hell no! we all know that she don't use it, is so obvious that you don't need to ask..
just observe and you will see...
if you think you owe her a lot, then you should consider what she need now, something which is more useful and thing that you sure she will be using it...
walau... gek dao~
now i rather to pick your first suggestion, "bicycle" ... that sounds wayyyy better than this...
and then buying gift, since it is a share one, you should be considering about other aspects (people who share with you)...



then today...
the second time that my dream broken...
i found a local supplier of Archos 43 and is only RM300 ...
but the company located at Kuching, Sarawak....
and when i asked my dad... ohh great... cannot again...
he said it might be a scam -__-|||
no, at first he asked me about the service after sales, i said we post back to the company at Kuching and then he said that scam thingy...
my heart was like... broke into pieces immediately...
just when i will have my internet tablet???
i wonder what will be his respond if i tell him that i want Samsung Galaxy Player and THAT HAS THE FREAKING SERVICE AFTER SALES AND NO SCAM, BUT THE PRICE IS RM1300+++
i'm pretty sure he'll ignore me if i ever ask him this because he just wouldn't spend so much on digital... i knew him.... too well...
but Pn Teen said, don't be stingy on technology ......
but actually...
even if he agree to buy me galaxy player still i won't allow him to -__-|||
RM1300+++ i "sam tong" ....
haizzz...
eottokhae???
anyone wanna sell their used Archos43/Cowon D3/Samsung Galaxy Player??

my dream... is broken... goodbye to my Archos 43...

LOL...
the first thing is LOL!!
i found it is so hilarious..
i'm so dumb, so stupid that i thought my dad will allow me to buy Archos 43...
i felt dumb not because he doesn't allow me to buy,
but i spent like... so much times on doing research and watching review regarding Archos 43...
especially this 3 days, i can tell that i just watch the review from day to night and compare Archos 43 with other PMP/internet tablet, see if which one is better...
until i neglected my homeworks and Sungmin...
and at the end what i got??? as expected, i got this : "No."
LOL!!!
oh c'mon, dad, why are you so paranoid????!!
i'm the one who going to pay and still i haven't afraid it will broke or spoil, why you???
can't you try to think in a positive way... even once????!!!
seriously i'm not in a good mood that i felt like cursing out...
now, if i want something more than RM1000, you will just turn your back to me...
then i found this, RM851, very reasonable and acceptable price, and yet you just deny me like that...
when i can't get to try the device, you said later i will regret...
fine then, now i get to try the device, but you are worry about the damn "service-after-sales" thing...
so when i found one that has the stupid "service-after-sales" thingy which is 60% useless, and then you just turn your back to me... because of the price...
why am i so pathetic?? can't i own something that i want and need for so long time???!
there is whole lot things that i want but i never open my mouth and say it, i just kept quiet and pleasure myself by watching all the review videos on youtube, looking into their official site, just imagine that how does it feel if i ever own them...
Lumix GF2/Sony NEX-5/ Lumix TZ-10
Samsung Galaxy 2/ LG Optimus X2 / Archos 43/ Cowon D3/ Samsung Galaxy player
not much though, only one camera and one smartphone/internet tablet that i want from the list above...

i'm tired of my Creative Zen which it's keypad wouldn't listen to my order...
just how many times i need to press and re-press just to fast forward???!!
just how many times i need to press and re-press just to go to the next song???!!
just how many times i need to check if which songs i don't listen much???!! (thanks to the friggin' 4gb storage)

i'm off..
F**K YOU ARCHOS FOR NOT HAVING A OFFICIAL RESELLERS HERE IN MALAYSIA!!
I F**KING HATE YOU!!!
F**K OFF AND GET A LIFE!!

CNY???!! today definitely not a good day for me...

disappear for quite sometimes and now i decided coming back here to rant again...

today is really not a good day...
not to add that i have a very bad day during Chinese New Year???!!
like... seriously??

firstly, i spent my whole afternoon, like 3 hours to do the friggin PA essay...
oh great.. waste my time...
why teacher have to give us so much homeworks during CNY???!!
didn't they know that we need to go back to our hometown??
and there, my whole afternoon is gone...

secondly...
sad....
i fought with Sara again...
my baby unnie... T___T
why... why it kept happened?? even though we already promised with each other that this will not be happening again...
i'm sorry... i'm so sorry...
i don't mean to tease you but... that's just my nature... i guess(?)
and i never say that is wrong to tease me back...
but you make me worry...
i'm worrying and feeling so bad here, thinking if my words really hurt you...
and i was so frustrated that i thought you're angry with me in fact you're just doing a prank...
still better though...at least my words didn't really hurt you...
why misunderstanding always happen between us??/
and with the word war 7.... by saying that, i dont mean we dont have a good relationship...
we indeed have a very good relationship but... at that moment, we're really having some kind of world war 7 .... didn't we??
why must you mind about what i said to others so much???
that i think each time we're fighting because you read what i said to others about us...
when i don't really mean it???
waeyo....
why can't you just judge and mind about what i said to you instead of what i said to others??
is my words to you not assuring?? and you think that what i said to others is more real ??
is that so???
i don't know...
but my heart is broken ....
you left me like that...
maybe we need sometimes...
to reflect myself and to let you cool down...
but please... don't leave twitter just like that... come back...either for Ming, Nora or Mika, just come back... T___T don't dump me like that... please...
i cant stand to lose my baby unnie who pamper and spoil me so much...
not to add, appreciate me a lot..
i'm so wrong...
so so wrong...
damn my fingers, why do i always type things without thinking??? i hate myself...
and i freaking felt like slapping myself for being disrespectful and inconsiderate ...
mianhae~~ my baby unnie...

third...
GDI... WTH??!!
why the hell is kyuhyun over flower trending??? SERIOUSLY???!!
is just a stupid picture of him on BOF's character and that he is trending already??
does that even make sense???!!!
seriously, kyuhyun, why worsen my mood when i'm already super down here???
i still remember so well how hard me and some of the sungmin lovers trying to trend ming's president because of his come back drama...
and it trend only for an hour ... i mean on the list...
and this stupid kyuhyun over flower thing is trending like 3 hours++ ???!! you gotta be kidding me...
is that little picture is more important than ming's come back drama???!
great... how great...
that's what pissed me off...
i'll be very fine if the same thing happened during President first episode air...
why is it have to be so unfair???
and us, the vitaMINs, are like spamming the trend for President instead of trending it...
we tried so hard, include that everytime we send out our tweet...
and blame ourselves when we forgot to include it...
omg...why so difficult???!